I’ve been feeling like I don’t really know who I am anymore

It doesn’t always happen in a loud or dramatic way, more often, it’s subtle. It’s slow. It’s the quiet questioning that comes when you catch your reflection in the mirror and feel a flicker of unfamiliarity. You recognise the face, the eyes, the curve of the smile, and even the all too familiar outfit, but something is different. Something has shifted, and you can’t quite name it.

It’s not always a sorrowful feeling either. Sometimes it’s just a softness, a sense that life has etched itself into you in ways you didn’t notice while it was happening. It can happen after you’ve brought life into the world and suddenly realise you haven’t sat still in your own thoughts for months. It can also come after moving to a new place, where everything is different and nothing feels like home yet. It can rise up in the wake of heartbreak, loss, or deep soul-weariness. Or it can meet you in the quiet hours of your late thirties or early forties, as you stand at the edge of a new decade and wonder where the younger version of you went, and wonder who you are now.

It’s a strange kind of homesickness. A homesickness for yourself.

While it can feel disorienting, it’s also an invitation. Not to rush back to who you were, but to gently uncover who you’re becoming. To ask deeper questions and to let the Lord whisper truth over the woman you are right now. Always messy in the way we humans are, still beautiful, but changed.

I had an email from a reader who touched upon this just recently, and she asked for advice, knowing that I too have gone through a big life change recently.

With her permission, I have shared it below, her name changed for privacy.

How to find your way back to yourself a bit later in life

Dear Alena,

I don’t even know how to start this, but here goes. Lately, I’ve been feeling like I don’t really know who I am anymore.

I used to feel so sure of myself, of my interests, my routines, my place in the world, but then a lot of life happened. Some of it was beautiful, getting married and having my babies (two under five). But a lot of it was heavy, like the loss of my father last year, and since moving to a new town to be closer to where my Mom lives where I don’t really know anyone.

I keep telling myself I should be grateful as I have so much to be thankful for. But on the inside, I feel a little hollow. Like I’m going through the motions, but not really connected to any of it. Even when I have time to myself, I don’t know what to do with it. Like you, I like vintage and thrifting, and I go to church but it’s not that. My days are quite full with the children and my homemaking, but the things that used to bring me joy don’t seem to fit anymore, and I’m not sure what does.

I look in the mirror, and I recognise my face but I don’t feel at home in it, or my body. My husband says he still finds me attractive, but I feel am not the girl he met seven years ago.

I guess what I’m asking is, how do I find my way back to myself? I’m not in a crisis, don’t think I’m depressed, but I’m just tired of feeling so far away from me.

Does this make sense?

Isabel

We aren’t meant to be the same woman our whole lives

Darling Isabel, you’ve shared something very vulnerable, and very, well, human. I know so many of us will relate - we are all experiencing an infinite number of what I like to call “tapestries of life”, made up of so many things for so many people, and sadly it’s not always easy all the time.

It’s most certainly not always easy to know exactly who you are, be it at 15, 25, 45 and so on… A key point of life is to grow, and shape ourselves for the better, and bloom as best we can according to our circumstances. Sometimes that takes a while.

Your husband has reassured you that he still finds you attractive, and your life sounds blessed in the things that truly matter, but I do understand how you feel. However, I would encourage you to look forward, instead of back. I’m not the same woman I was seven years ago either! It’s no bad thing my love…

Never look back unless you are planning to go that way. Henry David Thoreau

Think of yourself as a seed. To look at one, we might think, “it’s just a husk”, we may even feel hard and dry like one, but oh there is so much potential for life in a seed, it’s literally programmed with a miracle, and so are we! It’s full of life that can feel like it’s sitting dormant, a potential life that we can’t yet see, we just need to know it’s there waiting for just the right moment.

Your seed is one that has blown from it’s previous flower. A flower that you might consider to be the old version of you - it grew, it struggled, it reached for the light, endured the rains and wind but it also bloomed, created life, and it was beautiful for a while - but it was just for that season, and now it’s resting, and settling into the right conditions in order to grow again.

Never look back unless you are planning to go that way

If you’re in this place too, feeling a little unsure about who you are or where you’ve gone, I want you to know that you’re not ’lost’, nor are you broken.

This is a sacred part of life’s journey, but there’s grace here, too. So much grace.

You’re simply growing, and becoming. Growth never stops, and sometimes it’s even a little uncomfortable. This is just another season for growth, one in which you can bloom into something else.

When life shifts, whether in an instant or so slowly you hardly notice, it can leave you feeling scattered. Like bits of yourself have been tucked away in drawers you forgot to open, or buried beneath the quiet weight of responsibility, heartbreak, or time. You might feel invisible, even to yourself. Uncertain and adrift.

But here’s the truth: you are still here. Even if you feel distant from who you once were. Even if you no longer recognise your rhythms, your dreams, or the way you move through the world.

You haven’t disappeared, you’re simply changing. While that can be disorienting, it’s also deeply human and part of our experience here on this Earth.

I do often question the people we meet who claim to “have it all together”, who project perfection and have little time for other people’s pain, discomfort, or honesty. To be messy is to be human, and to share our stories and experiences really serves others. There are countless stories of transformation in the Bible, and it’s even the backbone of most fairytales, rom-coms, and popular fiction - they all rely on transformation as a theme!

To live a life is to tell a story of many chapters. Not all of them are meant to be fairytale perfect. The Darling Academy

Why exactly is it that we think we should stop growing into new things at a certain age, or stage in life? To stay in one place. Why no longer the investment, or the self-care? Why lose ourselves when we simply need to get to know ourselves again, as we are now. Why think that once we are nearly over the hill, or a mother, or a survivor of trauma or an illness, that our lives aren’t worth blooming into even greater beauty than the seasons that came before?

Once seeds, and flowers... a miracle

This kind of transformational growth is never linear or tidy. It doesn’t come with clear directions or a neat before-and-after. But little by little, you can start to uncover yourself again, gently, patiently, and without pressure to rush.

Here are a few simple, comforting steps I’ve been working into my life that have begun to help me begin to feel like myself again (only in a different way) after moving to the other side of the world. I’m still Alena, the past has not and will not ever change. I have made my mistakes, I have counted my blessings. I have achieved much, and yet so little too.

The story is not over, it is simply a new chapter, and one I am able to write. That is the gift we are all given.

I offer these ideas to you with love and hope. Maybe they’ll help you, too.

Make room for quiet

When everything inside and around you feels loud, start by making space for stillness. It doesn’t need to be long. Ten minutes in the morning before the house wakes up, a few moments of prayer before bed, or a quiet walk in all weathers. I personally recommend some time in nature as a place to find your quiet.

The world often tells us to do more to find ourselves, but I’ve found the opposite to be true. It’s in the quiet that we begin to hear the whisper of who we truly are. Watch the breeze move through a planted field, butterflies and bees at work, heavy raindrops landing in puddles, clouds drifting across moody skies. None of these things are seen as “productive”, but they do soothe the soul. Learn to gaze into the abyss, and learn to daydream again.

via Loré Pemberton

Revisit the things that once lit you up

Sometimes rediscovering ourselves means looking back, not just forward.

What did you love before the hard season? Before the children, the move, the illness, the change?

Maybe it was baking bread from scratch, or writing in a journal, or singing in the kitchen, or taking long walks with no destination. Was it dancing, or reading fantasy. Was it going for a beauty treatment, or window shopping. It needn’t be anything fancy, or even “impressive” to other people. It doesn’t need to be something that earns money or be commercialised, it doesn’t need to be trendy.

What ever it was, try bringing one thing you can think of back into your life, even if just in a small way. You don’t even have to do it perfectly, you just have to begin.

Write yourself into this season

When I’ve felt far from myself, I’ve found comfort in writing. I don’t mean essays or beautiful prose just simple, honest reflections. This blog and my first book even started as a whim, something I felt inside and wanted to get off my chest.

I’ve chosen to make many musings public, but there are many more posts sitting in drafts that may never see the light of day. Whatever you choose to write can be kept under lock and key, but there’s something about organising your thoughts on paper that gets the noise out of your head and helps you to see things clearly when you see them in black and white.

Try jotting down a few thoughts each day:

• What did I enjoy today?
• What do I miss?
• What am I learning?
• What do I need right now?
• What am I being drawn to right now?
• What am I no longer willing to carry?
• What would feel nourishing, even just for today?

You words might become a bridge to who you are becoming. Help you see how you’re truly feeling, what you desire, or even highlight to you how little things really matter in the grand scheme of things. It’s like writing in a diary, and coming back to it later to see how the issue wasn’t really the big scary monster you thought it was. It’s like praying and handing it over to God (which I suggest you do too). Whatever you write down could be great prayer points too, or things to reference in the stories of other women in the Bible.

Build simple structure and touch points into your day

Big transitions can leave us feeling ungrounded. One thing that helps is building small, meaningful routines into the day. Even organising your space if it feels a little “uneasy” can help, something I’m still personally working on too. It takes time to settle when you’re feeling unsettled.

Do what you can to create comfort.

Light a candle when you wake up. Open the curtains slowly. Put on an apron and make tea at the same time each afternoon. These gentle rituals don’t just create order, they restore peace and anchor your day in ways that are helpful when you’re feeling a little ’out at sea’.

Choose one anchor

You don’t have to figure out your entire identity all at once. Instead, choose one anchor in this season.

Is it your faith? Your role as a mother or homemaker? A creative outlet? Let that one part of you be a safe place to land while the rest takes shape. There is always one thing you are good at, despite everything else feeling a little adrift. Keep a sense of pride in that area while you wait for everything else to fall into place. Yes, even if it’s something like your ability to keep things really tidy in a particular room, or your child’s unconditional love and need to have daily hugs. No matter how small, remember that something will always be alright.

Let go of the “old you” without guilt

Sometimes we hold ourselves hostage to a version of who we used to be. But the truth is, she was never meant to last forever. Just as that wedding dress was never meant to fit you forever! Women grow. We shape shift from girl, to teen, to a young and nubile womanly body, then on to a space in time, all too fleeting, where we nourish new life in our wombs, and on to helping other little hearts find their way. Meanwhile ever expanding in mind and body ourselves. Later, if we’re lucky and really blessed with a life of many days, into women who others seek out for wisdom.

Old cells die away, as do old versions of us. Old skins of the former women we once were.

You’re not betraying her, the woman you were yesterday, by changing. You’re honouring her by growing. Let her go with gratitude, and open your heart to the woman you’re becoming. It’s a process, at no-one’s pace but your own.

You also don’t have to justify your sadness just because your life is “good.” Gratitude and grief can live in the same room. Your feelings are not a betrayal of your blessings. They are just the honest echoes of a heart trying to find its footing.

Bring it all to the Lord

There’s no safer place to ask, “Who am I now?” than in the presence of the One who knit you together.

He is not surprised by the shifts in your heart. He walks with you through every season and holds every version of you with compassion. Ask Him to remind you of your worth - not based on what you do, how your fellow humans see you, or what they expect of you, but on who you are in Him.

Blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit. Jeremiah 17: 7-8 NIV

What stands out in this scripture is the mention of the word drought, feeling a bit lost in ourselves can feel similar! It will not last forever. You will bear fruit again. Trust in your faith, and God’s promises.

Talk to someone who knows you well

Sometimes we need someone outside ourselves to reflect us back. Ask a trusted friend, your husband, or a mentor: What do you see in me right now? You may be surprised by how clearly others can see your blindspots, or just the parts of your life that feel blurry right now.

Try something new

It doesn’t have to be grand or life-changing. Maybe it’s just trying a new recipe, planting a few flowers, or learning a craft you’ve always been curious about. Newness has a way of waking-up parts of us that have been sleeping.

Be gentle with your becoming

Finding yourself again isn’t about returning to an old version, it’s about honouring the journey that’s shaped you and making space for the new woman who is emerging.

And here’s the truth: you’re not behind, or even lost. You’re not failing. You’re growing, unfolding, transforming. There’s something so beautiful about this middle ground, the space between who you were and who you’re becoming. Stay here as long as you need. It’s holy ground.

If you’re in this season, I’m praying for you. You are not alone. You are still you, even if you feel a little undone right now.

With love, from one woman still becoming to another